oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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