I just cut my nipple shaving
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
