Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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