Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
too bad you live with your parents still
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
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