I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I will be naked everywhere
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize