if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
