Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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