Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
