i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
