she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
