i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
The uberlube is also flammable
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
