Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
