I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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