I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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