just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
