How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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