do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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