Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I have demons in me.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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