I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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