Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
