she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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