there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
