Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
