I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
