im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
