Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Of course I have a pirate flag
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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