martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
