I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
