Umm I'm too high to move.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Randomize
