I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
