Have you finally orgasmed yet?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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