ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
