The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
