I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
