I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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