One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
