I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
