Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
