I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
