just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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