I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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