I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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