Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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