Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
