I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
