I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
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