Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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