I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I have already put on my inside pants.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
