So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
