I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You've changed since you got that strap on
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
