Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
