Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
