Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
