I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
She told me I should be a condom model.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize