Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
