Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
