6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
