dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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