Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
