so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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