and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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