so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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