I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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