I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
