my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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